Hello Owls! Just your friendly average Joe over here, or Jane. I actually identify as a Jane but you do you boo. Consider this a beginners guide to football. I mean soccer. Because lesson one: it’s called football not soccer. Futból if you hablas espanol. America just can’t get off their fucking high horse and refer to the sport as EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD CALLS IT. So football is what they are playing. Which brings me to the point of this post. Here what this shit is actually called.
1. Soccer=football. I think we’ve cover this by now.
2. stadium: if you think the place where you’re going is called a stadium like it is when you watch football (American) basketball or you know the same place you see Lizzo tooting her flute and twerking (or if you’re my age, watched BackStreet Boys dance to choreography whilst singing “everybodyyyy…. rock your bodyyyy.”) you would be wrong. It’s called a pitch. Yes, the goal post to goal post, and beautiful green grass where they play the glorious sport is called a pitch. (Like in Harry Potter, they’re that prestigious.)
3. Field: yup, just said where they played was the pitch, but it’s not. It’s the pitch. The place where you go is the “stadium” but the “field” is the place they actually play… yes they are different. Like in basketball: think space jam where the aliens were in the stadium but bugs and MJ (and weirdly Wayne knight) were on the “court”… same concept.
4. Goalie: nope. Not right. The guy that stands in the goal is not the goalie is not the goalie, that’s hockey, and we are the less hot more teethed version of that spot. So they are called a Keeper. Ours are Rashid Nuhu and Sam Howard by the way, and they have all their teeth.
5. Head: an act in which you delicately and graciously place your head on the ball.. head and I mean your face or large round average 9lb item attached to your body in to the ball. You provocative Neanderthals. In soccer you cant touch the ball with your hands however your feet and head are fair game utilized appropriately. Headers are very advantageous and you see them frequently to score goals.
6. Defender: I think this one was mostly self explanatory but seemed important. It’s the guy that defends the ball from going into the goal. The defensive line for our football term folks. But I will go one step further for you. There are 4 types: center back, sweeper, full back and wing back. It’s based on where they stand on the field but honestly if you told a guy that Dami was our left full back they’d be thoroughly impressed and sleep with you regardless.
6. Tackle: BE Aggressive B-E Aggressive. Football doesn’t have cheerleaders but said cheer would fit here. But don’t be too aggressive. Football players actually have a lot of rules where you can’t just full on knock the other player down for the ball. It’s a more reserved and refined move to steal the ball without causing a concussion and lasting brain damage.
7. Corner kick: okay bear with me. In direct interpretation this sounds simple. The ball is put into play from the corner of the field. But when?why?how? Dim but it’s super exciting and there are usually designated chants involved.
8. Cross: kriss cross will make you jump jump. (Yo Union can we play their song during the time? Did forward Madison already take it?) okay I digress Basically someone passes the ball across the field to Lewandowski and he knocks it in. Oops wrong league but concept remains
9. Red card: yellow card, you’re weak and fucked some guys shit up but not enough to get kicked out. Red card: you went 59 shades of gray, really fucked up and you’re out of the game.
10. Offsides: the most complicated term and the biggest reason you will get pissed at the refs in all of soccer. Your team scored but JK they didn’t because for some fucked reason they decided that the person who scored the goal was farther along than the person defending. (Isn’t that the point) so your goal doesn’t count. Yup, I don’t get it and it sucks and it’s bullshit and everyone else in football history also hates it. But the rule is there so we have to deal with it. Be pissed at it now, be pissed at it later, be pissed at it forever.
And that’s all for now folks.
– Dr. TokenGirl
Who Gives A Hoot? 